i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
