At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
