I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
After last night, I could never be a politician.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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