i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
