Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
