woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
