I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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