Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
