Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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