The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
