M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
