This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
