So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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