Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
