So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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