He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
