things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize