apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You took a bar mat shot.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
