Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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