Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize