Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
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