I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
