apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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