woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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