Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
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