Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
