yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
