he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
