The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
