i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
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