I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
