How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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