I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
