there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize