My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I'm passing your future prison.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
