i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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