Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I need a beard to bite.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
