Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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