Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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