Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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