does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
