just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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