My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
