Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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