his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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