girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
