he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
