Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
