when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Randomize
