my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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