I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
did i just pee glitter
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
