i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
