as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
