Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
