When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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