After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
