Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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