Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
