I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
