i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
