So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Did I show you my penis last night?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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