Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
