im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
