The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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