It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
did i walk over a car last night?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
