Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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