did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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