how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
