His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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