From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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