my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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